When Chris put this site together we were all expected to assist. Fraser was going to do video games, Scott was going to do music, Robin was going to do movies etc. etc. and we were all going to do anything dork. The thing that I was supposed to cover was comic books and I’m not really sure why cause I haven’t really collected in years. In fact both Adam and Robin have probably forgotten more about comics than I’ll ever know. But I guess I had to have something to do. So here is my comic rant.
And it’s about Archie.
Yes Archie. I mean what the fuck! According to Wikipedia Archie has been around since 1941. That’s 67 years! And the guys still looks 18. Either he’s found the fountain of youth or we’re talking some serious undead shit here. If he had found the fountain of youth, I doubt he’d have kept the whole town of Riverdale around with him. So that settles it. You heard it here first, Archie is undead. But let’s look a little closer. At first I was thinking pure vampire. What with the way he’s always chasing the ladies and it only makes sense that eventually the whole town would be converted just by Jugheads appetite alone. But then I was thinking that they are always at the beach soaking up the rays so that theory doesn’t work either. Then it hits me……. zombies. They’re all freaking zombies. It makes perfect sense. Immortality in the bag and they still do the same things over and over again. Veronica is ALWAYS spending money. Betty is ALWAYS doing something sweet. Moose is ALWAYS clubbing people over the head. Josie and the Pussycats are ALWAYS waiting for their big break (although, I hear musicians are just like that). Pops is ALWAYS working the soda shop. That’s one of the defining characteristics of zombies; they’re always going after one thing. I blame Hollywood for making us all believe that the only thing they want is brains. And that’s the other thing, brains! Never, ever has any zombie ever exhibited an I.Q. higher than that of a love child between Beavis and Anna-Nicole Smith. Zombies are just plain stupid. Now let’s look at Archie. The guy has been chasing after the same two girls for over sixty years. What’s worse is that they both like him and he still can’t seal the deal. That takes stupid to a whole new level. None of his friends are any better. Did any of them become lawyers, doctors, carpenters or any sort of respectable trade? No. In fact they are all still in high school. Statistics state that at least one of them should have gone emo and off’d themselves by now. But they all just keep going. And going. And going. Which makes me wonder….? Do you think they’d ever consider an Archie/Shaun of the Dead crossover?